She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
