Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
