she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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