Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
