you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
