I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
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He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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