I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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