I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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