Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
The air was thick with penises
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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