I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
