dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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