nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I enjoy the company of your penis
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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