I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
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