I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
