Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
