My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
