Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
