Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
