I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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