All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
