Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
