Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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