some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
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I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
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His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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