Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
