it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
