I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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