Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
