Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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