I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I just want nice things and good sex
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
