Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
