he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
