Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
