I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.