and she was petting her beer can
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
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I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
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judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!