You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void