Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
