if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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