I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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