He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
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Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
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Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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