I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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