i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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