I am spending my child support on dildos
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
