4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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