I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
