My first STD was from a foam party
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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