The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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