You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
