no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
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Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
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I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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