She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
