im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
