i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
