What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
