Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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