I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
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