In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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