i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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