Four minutes until I can fart!
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I woke up under a house in Key West
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