I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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