the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Terrible idea I love it
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
