I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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