every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
This is my gift to your gina
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Randomize
